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[19 Dec 2008|04:24am] |
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too little too late. metric. |
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Wow... Just read all my past entries... Much like a documentary on drug addiction, psychopathia, and sexual frustration (confusion, perhaps)... Most entries sound like unnecessary war stories on how much drugs I did and how much I loved heroin... Haha wow.. Just wow... It's been a rough year and a half but I've changed so much especially over the past 8 months, sober... I'm not the same girl typing out those horrifying entries... I know no one reads this, but if they ever did I'd like them to read this entry first... I'm partly embarassed of the way I was but on the other hand grateful because what I've gone through has forced me to grow up and take an honest look at myself... And someone left an anonymous comment saying something along the lines of "you chose that path".. Obviously they have not the slightest idea what they are talking about because yes Ive been pretty fucking disrespectful in the past and made some pretty disgusting decisions and I take credit for that... But I am not responsible for being a drug addict.. that is part of my make up, that is part of who I am by physics, by nature... But I have changed my ways for the better... And I'm happy and that's all that matters anymore... And I really don't worship Satan like it seems in all of my entries... I just have a twisted sense of humor... Ok so over livejournal..
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[25 Feb 2008|01:19am] |
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dontlookback ; telepopmusik |
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her death put such an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.
drug court is making me so lonely. i do nothing all day, everyday. i go to meetings... and go on the computer. that's all i do. while watching the academy awards tonight i wished so badly that i could be there... i told my mom that i would rather write an award winning script than star in the actual movie. i wish my dreams weren't so farfetched. maybe i'm just a pessimist.
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[11 Jan 2008|03:01am] |
so many of my entries were based on giving a fuck about someone else.
thank satan that's over and done with. "thank you satan!"
i went away for 3 months. and i don't know what to do with myself now. i'm sober and i love heroin.
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[22 Sep 2007|03:18am] |
finally.
we talked tonight. it's back to normal..
only i'm broken.
tomorrow i'm going to take my suboxone so that we can hang out without any withdrawal symptoms.
it's really pathetic when arguably the worst drug in the world can't even get me high..
wow.
i really never thought i'd be this person...
i can't even remember living any other way..
i'm just as addicted to the life style as i am the drug..
but i have such a good fucking time..
i'm always busy
always with my friends
always doing something
and always feeling good.
but i will stop for you.
you are my everything.
i'm sooo crazy... HAAAAHhahhA
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[19 Sep 2007|11:47am] |
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i gotta let this go! what am i doing? seriously? why do i care? i don't need someone who is so unsure of themselves that they don't talk to the one who cares the most for over a week. you wasted so much time. it's either going back to normal or it's going nowhere. the end... never thought it'd be. but i've moved on.... sort of.
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[30 Jul 2007|01:55am] |
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the pedestal ;;fergie! |
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for once in my life, i feel good about the life style i have made for myself. though at times strange, it's pretty fascinating and immensely fucked up. i have a lot of fun doing whatever it is that i do. i hang out with great people. i have control over my out of control'ness. tonight was so amazing. just seeing you for one second is enough. this feeling is so crazy.. i hope it lasts.
anyway, tomorrow i have an appointment with dats. i need to go there before i can get to a doctor that prescribes suboxone. i don't really understand why i need to go. everyone else i know that is on suboxone didn't have to go to there. it's fucked. i hate dats. it's so gross and creepy. i've been doing heroin since last april. i think it's time i do something about it since rehab obviously didn't help.
uuuughhhh i'm gonna miss lil madeline. she's going away for 5 days and like, i don't know how i am going to breathe without her. this blowssss!!
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[24 Jul 2007|01:59am] |
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OK. well;; i'm getting suboxone. thank saint satan and all his glory.
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[10 Apr 2007|01:59am] |
update of the last post:
i'm no longer over it. and ryan and brian are back together.
and my best friend is fucking amazing. and i love her so much. and even though people think we are big lesbos together, i want her babies despite it all!
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[02 Apr 2007|10:12pm] |
ughhh things are different... we aren't the same. there's nothing to talk about. and sometimes your mere presence gets on my nerves. i feel like i've changed so much in the past couple months. you changed me and i don't wanna be like this anymore. --- i totally just stopped typing to text the person i'm talking about... omggg i've been brainwashed! OVER IT.
ok so besides all this mothafucking drama....
and on to more mothafucking drama....
brian and ryan broke up. i hate this right now!
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[14 Mar 2007|04:25pm] |
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in this situation, wrong is prrrrobably an understatement. yesterday was different.
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| i don't know much about clothes, but my hair looks fierce! |
[09 Mar 2007|07:59pm] |
so, i'm back at school. i'm enjoying myself. i was throwing up all morning and my mom said i should stay home but i said NO, MOM. so i went. and it was fun. i think. aw i get to see my bessst friends all day long. me maddy and ryen are in gym and chem together now. yayy!
i'm kinda scared that i get too close with people too quickly. i just want things to work out but being jealous is all we can focus on right now and it's drivin me craazy. it's so confusing. what is this? why are you all i can think about..
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[27 Feb 2007|02:33am] |
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can anyone stop this drug? can it just go away???! i'm on the verge of tears and it's late and i'm at a decent benzo high and i'm mad that my friends are fucking up the same way that i fucked up.. yet i'm so jealous of them right now.. and i wanna be there and i wanna be them and feel that way again but i can't do it.. and i don't wanna be around it.. and i'd appreciate it if it wasn't flaunted in front of my face. love/hate. addiction for sale. free of charge.
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[21 Feb 2007|01:03am] |
i didn't do anything illegal today!
big shout out to my drunken entries. ie: the last one i posted.
besides thatttt,
i wanted britney to make a fucking comeback so bad... and then she does THIS! poor brian. he had so much faith in her. i've been listening to her nonstop ever since she went absolutely motherfucking insane. britneyyyy ;(
i wish you would talk about it when you weren't wasted because it's driving me crazy.
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| i love you to death, but..... |
[16 Feb 2007|02:14am] |
uuugh i hate when people invade my personal space aka make various attempts to fit in with the clique, worship our celebrities, do our drugs, acquire our eating disorders, etc. - i love you to death but you aren't us bitch! and i'm annoying? you're a poser and it's obvious. but thanks for adding invisible inches, maybe feet, to my head.
-half kidding. half asshole.
my friends are mixing and matching and its deeelish. maddy's like my new favorite thing in the world. we've been having so much fun together... ie: random applewood sleepovers. we pretty much discovered that we are destined to be best friends. so holler at that. everyday is more fucked up than the next. i loovess my bitch.
i haven't seen brian or ryan since friday! i've talked to them everyday but stillll.... a whole week without my babes. they invited me to keystone tonight but i was with dylan and maddy and we didn't feel like dying.
tomorrow is gonna be fun =) i woulda liked to join the boys at twist for a gay ol' time but i haven't watched ellen or the view enough this week to be a gay man this weekend.
i've subtracted most extremes. and added some new, lesser extremes to the list. i'm having so much fun that i should be dead. and last time i said that i was 100lbs and the color ghost! kidding..
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[13 Feb 2007|01:33am] |
i'm the only one in this triangle that knows the triangle even exists. heres to life and everything fucked up about it.
what. the. fuck.
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[11 Feb 2007|05:05pm] |
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AHHH! ok this is driving me so insane. i'm like going to die if i don't figure things out stat.
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[31 Jan 2007|12:56pm] |
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addiction for sale. $20.
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[18 Jan 2007|02:59am] |
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upppdate: can't sleeeep fucckkk... my back is KILLING me... i hate thissss. me and tom are back together. before last week i woulda never thought! actttually i'm lying. i knew it was coming. i told natalie i wanted to get back with him... and he called me like 2 days later. the irony. i felt it in ma' bones. MY BACK. i can't find aaanything besides fucking rozerum sleeping aid. i hate sleeping pills. hate?
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[16 Jan 2007|02:57am] |
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here in my room - incubus |
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pissed that the benzos hadn't kicked, i went for the bed and started watching factory girl on my ipod. i got outta bed for a cig and whaddyaknow, benzomania101. i'm floating. i've been withdrawaling. mildly. but its there. chills. stomach. blah. but i feel good now minus a minor headache. wishing to be edie sedgwick is kind of like wishing you were marilyn monroe. not saying they've had the same accomplishments but they were similar in the ways the media portrayed them. entertainment. but why would one wish to be marilyn monroe? she was created. a prop- self-loathing. as was edie. so, why is it that teen america dreams to be these sad people? they were frankensteins. invented. true, edie was her own self. but she created herself.... and why would one need to CREATE their individuality? its scary. a lot of what i see in these people, i fear i'm becoming. am i interested in my interests or are they not interests at all but props to my self creation? ellenstein. i think i didn't make sense. but i know what i'm saying and i don't care if you understand. who reads these things! highbye
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[14 Jan 2007|11:54pm] |
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credit in the straight world |
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last night was.. ok. the party we went to wasnt so much a party. the next party we went to was trashy. we ended up at my house at like 130ish. me and ryan had the best cigarette break of our lives and i dont think we'll ever really know why. i had the BEST sleep. ugh. to die for. tomorrow starts home-bound. miss lowe is my teacher which should be pretty sweet. although i was aiming for tommy lee to be my teacher. make a nice reality show out of it. maybe go sailing.
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